someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
