Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
