Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When did angry sex become our thing?
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