I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Randomize
