my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
