Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can I color on your dick again?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
