enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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