I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
