Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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