good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
