I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
