I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
