Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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