I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
