You're completely useless in the revolution.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
