Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
