at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
