I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He felt like a one man threesome
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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