i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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