When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
