quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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