I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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