Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
