If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
