let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
