i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
