You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
