Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
