Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
