last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
