Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
