my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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