she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
