The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
