My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
