God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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