her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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