apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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