YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
