i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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