At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
