i barfeds in our rink
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Randomize
