saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
