Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
