well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
