if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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