So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
