i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
