I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
