My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
